I find myself relating to the boy. And the girl. I am both, I suddenly realize.
I consider a writing workshop over Fourth of July weekend. It terrifies me. And yet. I call and register. Who was it that said, "Do the thing you think you cannot do." Maybe Picasso. I pray at night for God to dream his dream inside of me, and I feel these dreams beginning to stir. With them comes the realization of a longing that has lived and will live inside me for the length of this life.
Like the boy in the movie, the moment feels like the start of a third act. It's do or die. How long have I waited to go and see about this girl and her dreams? These are my dreams. The stakes are high.
I have spent an enormous amount of time focused on what and who is outside of me. I pray for illumination, for freedom from this delusion, and it comes. In the last few weeks, I have learned that everything outside of me is merely a reflection of me. Who I truly seek is myself. It is so much easier for me to see it in you. You stand in front of me, and you are beautiful, mysterious, profound, charming, vital. You have what I want.
And in fact, all of this is true. You are all those things. I follow the path to your doorstep. You enter the house of yourself and close your door. I peer in the window, utterly focused on your every move. Where my time has disappeared, in my life, is in the staying at that window. For my own house, it turns out, is just down the road a piece. The path is a little loopy, and there's brush to clear. But what lay at its end is the most magnificent little cabin I could ever hope to claim.
Somewhere between a thousand boy-meets-girl movies, a hundred fairy tales and a standard-issue dysfunctional childhood, I fell down a deep well of belief that what I was looking for was you. And if I could only get you, have you, and if you would only get and have and hold me, why then all would be perfectly ordered. Goal obtained. Scene. Sunset. Etc.
For whatever reason, God has thrown me a rope. Slowly, I climb out of the well. Dapples of light invade the darkness. Reality is illuminated. I see the knight in shining armor, and I see the princess. They are both me.
